Recently, a Reddit user sought guidance after his kids castigated him for tying the knot two months following their mother’s untimely demise from cancer. Even though he and their mom were separated more than ten years prior, they felt it was “heartless” of him to get married so soon without even inviting them or holding off on the ceremony until her passing had been processed.
In his Reddit post, the father justified his action by pointing out that he had acted in good faith throughout their divorce and remained dedicated to being a loving presence for his children. Moreover, the nuptials were an intimate backyard gathering with invitations sent prior to the mother’s passing away.
Despite his ex-wife’s decision to abandon him and move on with another man, leaving him feeling betrayedand embarrassed, he selflessly continued to provide financial security and emotional support for their children.
The user @AdSuch5527 wrote: “My kids were young when I left their mother. She decided that she preferred the company of another man to mine. I was heartbroken and humiliated but I dealt fairly in the divorce. My alimony and child support were set and I never missed one payment or a chance to spend time with my kids. When my kids were 18 and 17, their mom was diagnosed with cancer and it was very aggressive. She ended up needing a lot of expensive treatment and it ended her marriage. He left because of the debts and he could not care for her. She didn’t make it five years.”
The online forum had a whopping 1,800 people who chimed in and overwhelmingly supported the father. Most concurred that he hadn’t done anything wrong; after all, the wedding was already planned beforehand and both kids were adults at 18 and 17 years old respectively so they could choose for themselves whether or not to attend the ceremony.
They also reminded the father that it had been over ten years since his divorce, and he shouldn’t be obligated to postpone progressing in life until his children consented.
Nevertheless, some suggested that the father could have been more sensitive to his children’s emotions and perhaps postpone the wedding or at least communicate with them before deciding on a date. They commended him for enduring hardship throughout such a difficult time after losing their mother yet still urged him to take ownership of how his decision caused hurt in this instance.
Commenting on the situation, Nina Jaroslaw – a psychoanalytic psychotherapist at Manhattan Therapy (a private group practice for individual and couple’s therapy based in New York) expressed: “In the wake of a wrenching parental loss, children irrespective of their ages inevitably regress. Old wounds, sometimes festering for decades, become inflamed. Relational patterns baked into memory may become salient in ways they haven’t been for years.”
“The rage of these children at the “heartlessness” of their father may have little to do with his impending marriage but everything to do with his history of relating to his ex-wife and his children, or may reflect a historical pattern of avoidance or revulsion around illness, vulnerability and loss,” she continued.
Jaroslaw suggested that for restoring harmony between children and their parents, both reflective and dynamic communication are necessary with the aid of a professional counselor or therapist, as well as having the dedication to listening attentively and tenderly towards all parties involved in the quarrel.
Ultimately, the question remains: was it appropriate for the father to remarry shortly after his ex-wife’s death? This has sparked a fierce debate amongst observers.
