Rachel Whalen is one of those mamas that we are inclined to tiptoe around when we learn that their baby has unfortunately passed on. This rare, extraordinary soul is speaking loudly about an issue that the majority of us are uneasy with, but it’s a lecture in compassion that we must all be aware of.
What initially helped Rachel through her ordeal wasn’t all the bear hugs and kisses from close family and friends. Rather, it was the experiential memories she encountered at the hospital, right after her baby girl, Dorothy, was stillborn. She’s now sharing her story about the lovely guides who provided her with optimism in the aftermath of what was quite literally her truly darkest hour.
Condolences aren’t what actually soothes the agony in a tragic situation like this. Only the passage of time and a system of loving support can help do that. Rachel’s network included the registered nurses at the hospital who treated her with their own unique brand of TLC. All the small things they did amazingly amounted to more than the sum of its parts! In a letter that she wrote to her guardian angels on the Facebook page, An Unexpected Family Outing, Rachel said:
” To the nurses, Thank you for saving me. Your skill-sets and your insights saved me from following my child into death, and it was your compassion that directed me back towards life. The humanity you demonstrated is what brought me back into life; you made it possible to think about living after death. For this, I owe you my love and deepest gratefulness.
Thank you to the nurses who consistently ensured my husband had enough pillows when he needed to stay in my delivery room. And many thanks to the nurses who let him sneak popsicles from the freezer. You recognized that this was an experience for him and that he also needed your care.”
Sometimes it might be easy to forget that though dad wasn’t carrying the baby, he is suffering equally as much as mom is. Saving a life isn’t always about keeping the physical body alive. The doctors brilliantly did their part in bringing Rachel back from the brink of crossing over, still, it was the nurses who were crucial in saving both mom and dad’s lives that day.
The nurses at the hospital were her guides and protectors, literally taking her to clearly where she needed to be so that her very own life could be saved.
” Thank you to the nurse who came along with me when they hurried me to the ICU from Labor & Delivery. Thanks for being my advocate when I couldn’t speak out because I was too busy fighting for my life. I’m not sure I would have lived to see my child if you had not been there. Thank you to the nurse who showed me how to fill up my bra with ice packs when I needed to suppress my milk after my baby was stillborn.
I also wish to thank you for holding me as I bawled at the stress I could not set loose. Your embrace did absolutely nothing to lighten the heaviness in my breasts, however you provided a glimmer of light right into my very dark world.
Thank you to the nurse in the ICU who came over to clean me up soon after my daughter died. Thank you for putting in the time to help me wash my face comb my hair. I can still sense how it felt to have you smooth my hair back into a ponytail, it was a feeling that wasn’t a poke or a prod. It was a kind gesture.”
Self-care during a time when you just wish to curl up into a ball and hope that you disappear into a void is just one of those things that usually fall by the wayside. But, it’s furthermore one of the most important steps that a person can make in propelling themselves onto the path of restorative healing. The nurse’s kind gesture filled a motherly role at a time and looked after her needs when Rachel was not able to do it for herself..
It may seem like a bad idea to speak of someone’s dead child, but it was very important to Rachel when one of the nurses acknowledged the little precious being who came to be an essential part of her soul. It blew her away when the nurse even dared say her name!
” Thank you to the nurse who knelt by my bedside and talked to me about Dorothy. Thank you for knowing how necessary it was for her to be real although she was gone. I will never forget the way you leaned in, like we were good friends, and asked: ‘Do you want to tell me about her?’ Thank you to the nurse who dressed my baby and took her picture. Thank you for ensuring her beanie didn’t cover her eyes and that her hands were placed so gracefully. That photo means the whole world to us. Thank you to the nurses who took the time to read my chart before shift change. I want to thank you for knowing our names and learning the name of our daughter before you walked into my room. It meant a great deal to hear our names spoken all together. It made us feel like a family.”.
All the “I’m sorry’s” on the planet won’t really help moms like Rachel with what they’ve endured. Only an honest identification of that what they’re experiencing is real, and allowing them the chance to deal with that pain without everyone wanting to immediately make it vanish, is what helps them heal.
” Thank you to the nurse who slipped softly into my room on my first night without Dorothy so that you could hold my hand.
Thank you for whispering to me your story about your own infant who was born still. Thank you for being the first person to lead me out of the isolation one feels after losing a child. Your presence felt too good to be true. I’m still not convinced I didn’t dream you up just, so I could make it through that very first lonesome night..
Lastly, I want to give thanks to the nurses who observed me through my pregnancy with Dorothy’s little sister. Even after Frances entered the world, you never forgot that someone came prior to her. You knew that the birth of Frances did not make me a first-time mother. It made me a mother of two.”.
Rachel signed the letter, “Gratefully, The Woman You Brought Back.”.
